Want to know how I know that getting a divorce can rattle everything inside of you? I've got the experience to prove that! When I got married, I used my current abilities to make the best decision I could. I was totally unaware that my decision making skill had become more refined as I lived my life. But at the time I got my divorce, I felt terrible about life in general and myself in particular.

So when the howling monsters of divorce plopped into my lap one day, I thought I'd been wiped out. I knew my mistake was public, unintelligent and obvious - everyone could see what a mistake I'd made. There was no way to hide. And everyone had questions: why this and why that? It was so challenging to keep myself moving forward throughout the day and field these questions simultaneously. Everybody wanted an explanation: my friends, my family, my relatives and especially my mom and dad.

I had to keep my two daughters in the forefront of all my decisions. I didn't want my nasty thoughts about their mother to infect them so that they could keep on loving her. I had their questions to answer. I had their welfare to consider. We three needed a new place to live and new furniture in that place. I was on overload and the feelings were so uncomfortable. I knew I wasn't good enough.

When I first got divorced, I certainly didn't feel hugely successful with my life? I'm fairly confident you are feeling pretty much the same as I did way back then. Today, I am a successful attorney. I have found my soul-mate. I live in a wonderful home. My children have graduated from college and are well on their way to successful lives themselves. So how did I get from the pain of the early days to the great feelings of success that I have about myself today?

Questions. I asked myself tons of questions and I kept asking the question of myself under I came up with an answer that satisfied ME. And then there were those dad-blamed (pun intended) questions of my parents, family and relatives. As I look back on it, those questions (so hard to answer and handle at the time) actually became the source of great satisfaction as I worked to answer them.

Are you good at asking questions of yourself? Do you have a family who has lots of questions? Let me share some of my questions with you. I know that in the process of coming up with answers, you will once again feel good about yourself.

Why did this happen to me? How will I ever face (fill in the blank name) again? What will my parents say? How can I tell my kids this is going to happen to them too? Will my feelings of alienation from my ex ever disappear? Am I so bad he/she doesn't want to be with me anymore? Is this my fault alone? How the heck did I bring this into my life? Why did I pick this louse for a spouse?

Where the heck am I going to live? How can I do all this work by myself? Have I taken the kids into enough consideration in my planning for the future? Do I have an attorney who is looking out for mine and the kids best interests? Why do I keep wanting to punish my ex? Is there a better way to channel my anger than (x whatever you're doing now - obsessing, raging, etc.)?

Do I have a Parenting Plan in development? Can I find out information about it on the internet? Will I be able to earn plenty of money for supporting both me and the kids? If not, what can I do to improve that? Who do I trust enough to have my best interests at heart to be on my support team? Maybe I need therapy? What if my parents object to my decisions?

Okay. That's enough to keep you busy for a long, long time. Once you figure out the answers to these questions, you will no longer think you're some kind of loser. You'll see your own true colors and they'll be shining.

Len Stauffenger
©2009

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