(Drawn from the Q&A Author's Forum...)

Hi Mike,

I identified a great culprit in my social interactions with women, and that is all the hidden anger that has bottled up since I was a kid. You know what I am talking about -- every guy who can't get laid has this problem. You mention it in passing in your book, but I believe you don't give it enough emphasis.

Having a negative attitude toward people because of all this anger is even worse than being shy. Although they are in minority, there are attractive women who find shyness in men endearing, but they certainly do not find negativity and anger endearing. In order to interact with a woman on an emotional level without faking it, I end up revealing not only my interest in her, but also all the bitterness that is stored inside me as well.

A few days ago, I was involved in a situation that required me to be assertive but not necessarily pleasing to the other person I was dealing with, and this created a profusely intense anger inside of me. When things don't go my way, I am easily thrown out of balance and then all the good advice you give in your book is useless.

There are times when I feel quite good about myself, but most of the time I am constantly on edge because of this seething rage.

How did you manage (or did you?) to shake off all that bitterness from your days as a lonely and self-conscious LSM? I find it's hard to forgive when there is no apology coming my way. I have an intense feeling that the world owes me, and when it fails to make a payment, more anger gets stored under my hood. I really don't know how to deal with this crap. Being aware of it is half the battle I guess (I wasn't even aware how much hidden anger interfered with my attitude until now!), but what to DO about it?

Alan

Hi Al,

You are correct my friend... anger and bitterness are a major controlling factor with guys like us -- and it's indeed probably a worse problem than actual shyness when you get right down to it. Sometimes it gets to the point where after a few minutes of conversation you just want to strangle some of these crazy bitches... the rage of the rejected male!

Your question got me thinking though... anger alone can't be such a huge turnoff to women because many of them are more than willing to hook up with these nasty bastard bikers, ex-cons, drunks and druggies who mistreat them 24/7. Still they "love" them no matter what (it's called co-dependency, a common sickness of the female spirit). I'm wondering if maybe it's not so much the anger but the FOCUS of the anger that turns them off. The bad boys I just described have most of their anger focused at society and authority -- they are rebels who scorn the rules. This gives them just a little sniff of danger that is sexy and attractive to a lot of women... they get taken in by the fantasy of being near this type of guy and the "us vs. them" excitement he promises.

Bitter guys, on the other hand, seem to have most of their anger focused towards other PEOPLE rather than the institutions of authority -- and this turns women off because it makes these sort of dudes scary in a more personal way than the rebel bad boy. A guy like this can swing between emotional withdrawal and then suddenly go off in the opposite direction and become neurotically attached to her in the blink of an eye. "Bitter Guy" seems more likely to become a stalker and create problems for her if she breaks up with him as well. Again, this isn't a 100% sure thing in every case... it's just what I suspect many women imagine when they encounter a guy who comes across as sulky and embittered, as opposed to merely "rebel-angry" at the world.

As for how to control this low level seething rage... this is the $64,000 question of course. An entire drug and therapy industry has arisen to try and mitigate the two most common emotions that plague the mental life of many people -- depression and anger. Well, they've got lots of pills out there for depression now -- but anger still seems too difficult for them to control with the exception of powerful sedatives to medicate the extremely violent personality. Extreme or not, anger's a problem if it messes up your ability to live your life to its maximum potential. You are correct that being aware of this anger can help to control it by engaging your logical mind to set up a defense, but anger -- being deeply primal -- is still troubling even when its being suppressed. It needs to be made to disappear somehow.

The idea that the world owes you an apology for anything is misguided thinking that can be traced directly back to the Ego. Ego Inflation in some men is a kind of mental compensation designed to ward off the pain of being a low status male and having been beaten down (both figuratively and literally) by other men during most of your life. The notion that: "I'm superior to you and you suck even though you've somehow found a way to dominate and boss over me..." is a survival mechanism in a sense. To keep from being destroyed, the Ego creates an internal fantasy of Self Superiority to protect itself -- but it keeps getting angered because the real world consistently fails to supply it with the veneration that it "deserves".

See how crazy all this is when you slice it open and cast the light of logic on it?

My next bit of advice might sound crazy but here goes: this type of unfocused anger can almost always be stunned by a psychological shock to the system of sorts -- something that puts your own internal reality to question by placing it in context with the larger human experience. In this case I mean exposing yourself to individuals who've REALLY got something to be bitter about. Try signing up for some volunteer work with the less fortunate for a weekend -- a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Go visit a children's hospital in your area and see if they need help doing anything to help entertain the kids. These little guys and girls will shatter the coldest stone heart to pieces in an instant.

If you can't get into something like this, then just consider the plight of our men in harm's way out in Iraq. Many of these soldiers (guys your own age probably) have made the ultimate sacrifice -- and I'm not talking about the ones who've come home in a box. I mean the dudes who will have to figure out how to manage with a prosthetic arm or leg for the rest of their potentially long lives, or the ones who've suffered concussive brain injuries that will likely condemn them to popping pills for life.

All I'm saying is that if the world ever starts doling out apologies, guys like you and me with our Little League case of "bitterness" will be standing way at the back of a very long line. I hope all this helps to get you thinking along some different lines. Take care buddy.

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Mike Pilinski
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