Loneliness: Feeling Cut Out of Life
by
Have you ever found yourself in a crowded place feeling completely alone? A
few years ago when I traveled through Europe, I felt this way at times when
my efforts to communicate in the local language didn't match my ability to
actually do so.
Besides from feeling incredibly frustrated, I also felt a sense of
detachment and isolation. These feelings were not what I usually experience
when I choose to be by myself. They were imposed on me. I didn't want it to
be that way.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop the feeling of being cut off
from the people around me. This feeling of being "cut off" from others is
normal in these situations, but it contributes to the debilitating problem
of loneliness.
The Need for Social Contact.
Each person is different in the amount of contact they want or need from
others. At one end of the spectrum are the social butterflies and party
animals. and at the other end are the social recluses and hermits. But no
matter where you fall along this line, there is a certain amount of contact
with others that is needed to have a sense of well-being and life
satisfaction.
The need for social contact and its natural byproduct, "intimacy" has been
the subject of considerable research examining physical and mental health,
longevity and even intelligence. Mental health workers also recognize the
impact of loneliness on people. For example, a common complaint among
married couples is feeling lonely within their relationship. They often
report not feelings loved, supported or understood by their partner.
It is not surprising then that people look to connect with others from
outside their primary relationship (like their husbands, wives, partners) to
escape the painful isolation they feel from within!
Self-Sabotage.
A Characteristic of Lonely People
The interesting thing about loneliness is that people often impose it upon
themselves. Although this may sound a bit odd, loneliness expert, Dr.
Richard Booth, a professor of psychology at Black Hawk College in Moline,
Illinois reported that lonely people are their own worst enemies. This is
because they retreat from social contact when their unrealistic expectations
of relationships do not meet the standards they set.
People may also become alienated by expecting or demanding too much of those
around them. Lonely people often suffer from a distorted logic, and hold on
to thoughts such as:
"I am alone, therefore no one wants to be with me. If no one wants to be
with me, they are not willing to help me escape from my loneliness. If they
are not willing to help me, I will reject them too."
This kind of negative cyclical thinking supports and reinforces the reasons
why lonely people shun the very thing they crave the most, other people.
Lonely people set themselves up for failure by sabotaging opportunities to
make friends and acquaintances. They are often described as living on the
periphery of life, as if watching from the outside of a fish bowl and
wishing that some how they could be inside.
Depression Often Masks Loneliness.
Depression is a problem that often accompanies loneliness. In many cases,
depressive symptoms such as withdrawal, anxiety, lack of motivation and
sadness mimic and mask the symptoms of loneliness. In these cases, people
are often treated for depression without considering the possibility that
loneliness may be a contributing and sustaining factor in their condition.
Generally, the debilitating symptoms of depression can usually be managed
with antidepressant medication. But when the underlying loneliness is
ignored or overlooked, the depressive-like symptoms will probably continue.
Unless the reasons for loneliness and depression are separated out, it can
easily turn into a "chicken and egg" situation where depression leads to
loneliness, and loneliness leads to depression.
When looking for help, it is important to think about what is going on in
your life. It is just as important to let your doctor know about what's
going on in your life as how you are feeling.
Here are some things you need to keep in mind to help your doctor separate
suspected depression from loneliness:
- How long have you felt this way?
- Would you describe the way you feel now as a different from the way
you felt a short while ago, or have you felt this way as long as you can
remember?
- Has anything changed in your life that may explain why you feel
this way (for example, a relationship break up, a move, loss of a job)?
- When you have the chance to be around people, do you socialize or
do you shy away from them?
- If you have taken anti-depressant medication in the past, has it
helped you get back that "good feeling" about yourself, or does it make very
little difference in how you feel?
Things You Can Do to Counteract Loneliness.
- If it is too difficult to be with people for the sake of
socializing, take a course, join a book club, gym, or parent group, or take
up a new hobby that involves group participation.
- If shyness is a problem, join an organization such as Toastmasters
or sign up for an assertiveness training course that caters specifically to
these kinds of concerns.
- Reach out to others and you will be surprised at how responsive
they can be - getting involved in volunteer work is an excellent and
non-threatening place to begin.
- Do some serious reality checking about what you expect of others
and yourself - therapy is an excellent way to get the feedback you need to
move on.
Loneliness can really limit peoples' ability to be apart of fulfilling
opportunities and relationships. Take the bold step and reach outside of
yourself and you will be surprised to find what you have been missing!
©2003
Dr. Reena Sommer is an internationally recognized divorce and family life
consultant in private practice in Winnipeg, Canada.
She specializes helping people find balance in their busy lives and in forming healthy and
productive intimate relationships.
"Dr. Reena" (as she is known to her
clients and colleagues) has over 20 years of professional experience in
relationship counseling, coaching and consulting with singles and couples
caught in high conflict relationships.
She is a well known invited speaker to government, academic and lay
audiences across Canada and the U.S.A. Dr. Reena has a growing list of information products
that are available online through her website.
She is also available for telephone consultations on a
wide range of relationship issues including extramarital affairs, divorce,
addictions and domestic violence.
Dr. Reena is the author of two email newsletters, "Relationship Advice & Tips"
and "Divorce-Go-Round" which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly as well as
many articles which are available for free on her website.
Surviving Divorce: Divorce Counseling (Counselling) & Consulting Services.
Attraction Formula was written by an "underground" but extremely experienced New York player named Paul Janka. His recent appearance on Dr. Phil has a lot of guys curious about his no-frills approach to meeting women.
He's had sex with (at the time of this writing) about 146 women, so he certainly has the credentials to provide some excellent insights into the finer points of advanced game.
The interesting thing about this book is that there is very little focus on "inner game." Janka's writing is zero-fluff and gets right into tactics and getting the job done.
The book is split up into six sections:
I. PREPARATION: Philosophy and Mindset
II. ENGAGEMENT: Bringing Her into Your Reality
III. MIDGAME: Moving Beyond the Digits
IV. SEXUAL LOGISTICS: Making It Happen
V. RELATIONSHIPS: The Final Frontier
VI. LUXURY PROBLEMS: Consequences of the Player Lifestyle
Preparation
Despite the strong focus on advanced game, Janka does cover the foundations of solid beginner game and how to overcome approach anxiety. His talks about how to conquer fear and how to get into the zone (he calls this "mojo").
In addition he talks about where and when to meet women for an effective interaction. What's interesting is that Janka does not go to bars or clubs at night or on the weekend. As a result, much of the material here is on street or "day game."
Engagement
The second section of the book is where Janka's extensive experience becomes apparent. Since he's lived in New York City for several years, he has approached thousands of women. He discusses overcoming objections and how to get phone numbers quickly. His game here is very tight and goal oriented. He doesn't spend a lot of time chatting with women for long periods of time. In fact, he discourages it.
Midgame
Here Janka talks about what to do after you get the phone number. How do you transition from meeting her on the street to having her naked and screaming your name at the end of the night? He also reveals more about his infamous spreadsheet that contains details of all the women that he's been with. He then dives into dates and where to go and what to say during the date. I think he could have expanded this section more, but there are still quite a few gems here to make it a worthwhile read for any serious player.
Sexual Logistics
This is where things get hot and heavy. Janka discusses issues of respect, getting her turned on, and transitioning to sex. His style is fast paced and may be a little too advanced for beginners. He's even said that he doesn't take women on dates anymore. He simply meets them on the street and later invites them back to his apartment. In this part of the book, he also gives out several good tips on how to setup your apartment for sex.
Relationships
Even a seasoned player like Janka occasionally has relationships. He talks about how to make the decision to enter a relationship and how to effectively prevent a relationship from developing, should that be your decision. Topics of note here are how to manage multiple girls and how to manage their expectations.
Luxury Problems
One of the funnier bits I've seen in a long time. For instance, he brings up the interesting challenge of trying to schedule dates with girls based on their menstrual cycles. Dry cleaning bills and soiled linens are also rants that had me falling off my chair.
Janka concludes his hard-hitting guide with several case studies from his personal life. While the book is certainly not for the faint of heart, his advice is solid and is a worth reading several times over. I would strongly recommend it for anyone looking for a book on advanced game.