Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Confused About Playing "Hard to Get"

Hi Doc!

A few days ago I asked you about playing hard to get and you told me to read your article on your website "Dumb Games, and the Girls That Play Them". In it you said it's a terrible idea, but I have experienced that when we get things easily we lose interest. That's a fact right? So what is your opinion on this?

Oh, and how do I keep men's interest if I don't play hard to get?

Thanks!

Hello!

No, it's not a fact. It's a nice sound-bite, but nothing more.

Here's the problem: we've been conditioned by the media to live in sound-bites. Our attention span is so short that anything said quickly, concisely that has even the smallest ring of being reasonable sounds "right". It's not necessarily so.

Doubt this? Here's an example you've heard over 1,000 times: "Practice makes perfect".

It sounds absolutely reasonable and correct doesn't it? Having heard it more than 1,000 times simply adds to the fuel of your belief. However, nothing could be further from the truth.

Here's the reality: "Only PERFECT practice makes perfect".

In other words, you can practice a thing for the next 10 years and if you practice it wrong (or practice the wrong things with the goal of perfection), you're going to get nowhere. You're simply repeating the same failure for 10 years, while solidifying your inability to reach your goal.

How does that good sound-bite sound now???

You see, this whole playing hard to get notion was something that came about at a time and place when things were very different than they are today. Your grandparents and parents used that technique. However, dating in today's market doesn't work like it did when your grandparents and parents were getting together.

That idea is what most so-called "experts" pull out of their hats because it just sounds "right" (even though it's not), warm it over and sell it to you as though it's fact. It's not fact and in reality is anything BUT fact.

As to what works today:

There are a number of what I call "basic skills" you need to learn - all while unlearning this sort of ridiculous crap.

One of them is being clear about what and who you want. Having a clear idea of what you're looking for will help you get through the avalanche of people you get to meet today; because most of us live in large cities with many, many thousands of people and have access via the internet and even radio and TV to many, many thousands more.

If you don't have these clear, written, concise goals, the very first person that walks by is the "right one" because s/he is just as nebulous as your goals. Why do you think that so many people just jump from date to date today? They use excuses like "I'm picky" when in reality they are just confused and undirected.

Another thing that works is being clear (to your target person) about your interests and intentions. Why? Simple: because it makes you stand out from that huge crowd. Everyone else is using those ancient, obsolete techniques (like playing hard to get). Thus, you instantly become "interesting" and "unique" to someone else.

Another important thing that works is helping to move things forward for yourself and your partner. Having a plan and a clear direction (including a "date plan") gets you where you want to go.

Learning strong, solid, healthy sexual skills (and being able to communicate that knowledge) is yet another critical tool you need to have. As I've said many times, being a great sexual partner won't make a man or woman fall in love with you, but it WILL keep them around long enough for you to work your magic on them! If you don't have these skills, the next "shiny object" that passes by takes their attention and you lose out.

Here's the bottom line: if you want to be successful in the dating market today, you need today's skill sets. If you rely on yesterday's skills (like so many others do) you'll simply have the same success - or more likely; lack thereof - that they do.

Best regards...

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